but I enjoy raising my children.
As I read other women's Facebook posts on the "25 Random Things"
about them, I feel somewhat defensive and isolated. Most of the women I know
with children mentioned them extensively in their posts, going on about how
life-changing motherhood was to them, or how much they love their children. In
fact, several women I know WITHOUT children felt the need to note that they
felt their lists were boring or incomplete because of their childlessness.
I went back to my list, and was floored. I did not mention my children once.
I wrote that I enjoyed pregnancy and breastfeeding, but hate all of the other
traditional female roles. However, I did not mention my children, or the joy
that they bring into my lives, once.
What the hell does this mean? Although I am smart enough to acknowledge a
certain level of narcissism in myself, am I truly SO self-absorbed that I
neglect to mention my children? Have they not changed my life? Isn't being a
mother the hardest, and most important job in the world?
Uh, no. Its not. If our society really thought that, we would give stay-at-home parents social security for their years at home.Being a mother is a descriptor, not a job. It means that you reproduced. If you have looked around lately, you'll see that it is so easy to do, even teen pop stars can do ot. However, it does not guarantee any certain behavior or expertise.
Having children has changed my life because LIFE CHANGES! It changes for me, and it changes for the childless. I am not a better or less-selfish
person because I gave am a parent. I am a better person because I am trying to learn from mistakes. Getting pregnant, nursing, and raising
children did not make me more patient, more loving, or more kind. I did not
stop cursing like a sailor (although I do not curse in front of them), getting
angry at the drop of a hat (although it convinced me spanking is not for me),
eating way too much and exercising too little (although many magazines have
admonished me to do so "for the children") or enjoying the talents of
Jenna Jameson, Belladonna, Tristan Taormino, Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkle, Nina
Hartley, Greta Christina and a variety of other gifted performers and artists
(if you don't know who these ladies are, you probably should NOT google them.
Especially Belladonna – her talents are, how shall we say, unusual!)
My sister worked for years with a group called the
National Advocates for Pregnant Women. This group has fought long and hard
for women in South Carolina who have been arrested for child abuse for using
drugs while pregnant. Not possession of drugs, but child abuse for
"delivering"drugs to the fetus. While I certainly don't believe
cocaine or heroin is GREAT for babies, research has now shown the "crack baby"
epidemic to be bullshit. In fact, some of the greatest damage done to fetuses
is done with legal substances, i.e. tobacco and alcohol. Also, poverty.
That's right, being poor can damage your fetus!
What people do not understand about pregnant drug addicts is that these
women are drug addicts first, pregnant second. None of these women got pregnant
and THEN decided to start experimenting with drugs. They were drug addicts who
got pregnant, and NOT by themselves (it is not a crime to impregnate a drug
addict. Seminal emissions seem to be a protected activity.)
What does that matter? A lot actually. If we stopped expecting pregnancy and
the cult of motherhood to change women we might be able to actually look at
what DOES work to effect real change. When I was pregnant, one might think that
I suddenly became extra careful of my food, and or too up exercising to stay
healthy. Again, not so. I was a slothful glutton before, during, and after
pregnancy. The only thing that has made me rethink exercise is a herniated
disc, and the fact that regular movement seems to reduce the excruciating pain.
When a woman marries a man, she becomes a "wife" in our society.
The role of "wife" has many different responsibilities that come with
it, and if you do not consciously choose these, they can take over your whole
life. I have spent my entire marriage fighting this, and probably always will.
A mother's role, though, has even more significance. With this graduation
into "true womanhood", a certain skill set is supposed to arise. From
the ashes of your old identity, a new, self-less mother is then born. Wild
women are suddenly tamed, promiscuous women are now content, career women gain
"insight" into what "really matters", and selfish women
learn that it is not "all about them."
Or not. I am the same person in 2009 that I was in 2001, the year my first
son was conceived. His birth provided no answers to the questions in my head;
his presence filled no gap in my soul. His arrival created a storm of stress
that caused severe anxiety, and left me wishing for the days when aristocratic
women farmed their children out to wet nurses. In fact, during his most severe
colic episodes, I handed him off to his father and went to bed.
The second child's arrival was pretty much the same, although I traded
mental stress for physical stress. My body "gave out" and I decided
that was it for the pregnancy and childbirth experience. I experienced less
stress because this time I was not waiting for "mother's instinct" to
kick in. I knew that it would not, and that my vagina made me no wiser when it
came to the children. When I "knew" things that my husband did not,
it was due to research, not intuition. When I was able to soothe our children,
it was because of lactating breasts, not womanly wisdom. I pawned our children
off to my husband as much as possible in the early months because 1) I can't
stand infants under 6 months old and 2) I had carried them for nine months! He
could suck it up and deal.
How come when my husband and I are equally good parents, it makes him a
brilliant father, and me a shitty mother? I prefer to think of myself as a
co-parent, rather than a mommy, although this often makes me feel like an
outcast among women. When friends find out that my husband is the one who
bathes the children at night, and that I have my own bedroom, and that he got
up with the kids when they were babies, some are jealous, but many look at me
like I am shirking my duties.
Because after all, if I was a "good mommy", I would
WANT to do those things. Amd god forbid I not be a "good mommy!"
Bless my poor husband's heart!
Right on Heidi! Very well written and so true for many of the women I have talked to over the years. The crazy cult of motherhood ends up hurting so many women and children – which is what is so ironic.
Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, I am just going to have to disagree with most of this entry. So lets begin :)
“What the hell does this mean? Although I am smart enough to acknowledge a certain level of narcissism in myself, am I truly SO self-absorbed that I neglect to mention my children? Have they not changed my life? Isn’t being a mother the hardest, and most important job in the world?
Uh, no. Its not. If our society really thought that, we would give stay-at-home parents social security for their years at home.Being a mother is a descriptor, not a job. It means that you reproduced. If you have looked around lately, you’ll see that it is so easy to do, even teen pop stars can do ot. However, it does not guarantee any certain behavior or expertise.”
So being a mother isn’t one of the most important jobs? I would argue that evolution has dictated that it is one of the most important jobs. Just because society doesn’t provide financial incentive to be a mother doesn’t change the fact that it is one of the most important jobs. Otherwise the human species will not survive. Lets get back to that social aspect of it. You do realize that just 50 years ago, we lived in a society where mothers stayed at home and cared for the children. They pretty much had financial incentive to stay at home. Their husbands made enough money to support the entire family. Times have changed, women wanted their own careers and it is much more difficult for a single income family to survive. Is it wrong for a woman to desire a career? No my wife is a career woman but don’t confuse the fact that a lack of financial incentive means being a good mother isn’t important in society.
Having a child does not equal being a good mother. Evolution did not dictate that all mothers will be created equal. Britney Spears is a perfect example. My wife on the other hand falls on the other end of the spectrum of being a wonderful mother. So while all mothers are not created equal, it doesn’t change the fact that being a mother is the most important job a mother has. Oh and let me say, being a father is the most important job a father can have. I do my damnest to be the best father I can be. Am I the best in the world? Heck no because all fathers are not created equal. I do have a high opinion of my fathering skills and so far I would put myself in the lead pack in terms of my fathering ability but it is way to early in my race to say I will end up being a great father.
“Having children has changed my life because LIFE CHANGES! It changes for me, and it changes for the childless. I am not a better or less-selfish person because I gave am a parent.”
Really? You aren’t less-selfish. I know for a fact that is a lie. Otherwise you would be saving the money you are spending with private schooling. I mean if you were selfish, you would say screw it, I don’t want to spend the money. You are doing what is BEST for your child at your own expense. I am sure there are many things you could spend that money on if you weren’t doing what is best for the child. It is called self-sacrifice and you are doing it regardless of whether you realize it or not. Life changes for everyone but life really changes for most people when they have a child. Is my life radically different? No, I still enjoy the same things but I do sacrifice many things for the benefit of my child. I know you do the same.
“My sister worked for years with a group called the National Advocates for Pregnant Women. This group has fought long and hard for women in South Carolina who have been arrested for child abuse for using drugs while pregnant. Not possession of drugs, but child abuse for “delivering”drugs to the fetus. While I certainly don’t believe cocaine or heroin is GREAT for babies, research has now shown the “crack baby” epidemic to be bullshit. In fact, some of the greatest damage done to fetuses is done with legal substances, i.e. tobacco and alcohol. Also, poverty. That’s right, being poor can damage your fetus! ”
Once again it goes back to not all parents are created equal. These drug addicts do not place their child’s future above their own. If our society didn’t exist the way it does, nature would take of these people and their child. Their genes would never be passed on to the next generation. But we live in a compassionate society where we pretty much try to help one another. We aren’t always the best but it is better than the alternative where natural selection would take care of the “problem”.
“What does that matter? A lot actually. If we stopped expecting pregnancy and the cult of motherhood to change women we might be able to actually look at what DOES work to effect real change. When I was pregnant, one might think that I suddenly became extra careful of my food, and or too up exercising to stay healthy. Again, not so. I was a slothful glutton before, during, and after pregnancy. The only thing that has made me rethink exercise is a herniated disc, and the fact that regular movement seems to reduce the excruciating pain.”
Wow, not sure what to say here. Holly and I didn’t change our lifestyle because of society. Evolutionary pressures changed us. We wanted to give our child the best possible foot forward. Holly changed her diet to hopefully provide the best nutrition for our unborn child. It has absolutely nothing to do with society. Our lives have changed because we put our child first above our own desires and society plays zero part in that. It is done because once again we want to do what is best for our child. Guess what? You did the same because you breast-fed. I know you didn’t breast-feed to save money. The hassle and inconvenience were far outweighed by the benefit for your child. I don’t think you give yourself any credit.
“When a woman marries a man, she becomes a “wife” in our society. The role of “wife” has many different responsibilities that come with it, and if you do not consciously choose these, they can take over your whole life. I have spent my entire marriage fighting this, and probably always will.”
I never realized being a wife dictated anything? My wife does some laundry because I am a lazy husband. I share the work of cleaning the house and I always cook the food. Being married is whatever you make of it.
As for the rest of the post. Holly can sense things in our child that I do not. It isn’t some psychic ability, it is just that she is more in tune with some of the nuances of his personality. Is every mother going to have that? No because not all mothers are created equal. Some mother just suck. I think you are a good mother who seems to want to fight society when society doesn’t really care for the most part all the while not realizing that she is in fact a good mother. You seem to get caught up into what society thinks about you and your life. Society has so little impact on most people’s day to day life, why does it even matter?
There we go, I am off my soapbox.
Heidi-it’s is all about me still, sometimes. Of course you know I am going to point out the clerical errors-probably due to you not being a “good mommy”. heeheehee. Or could it be the brain cells are gone as mine are too. No matter what anyone says you are a GREAT MOMMY. You are still a woman first! I understand that!!
Heidi,
I applaud your balls to do this posting. I’ve never thought that being a mother was the “end all, be all” of the world. However, when I said that people, I was accused of being unhappy because I wasn’t married, not having met the right man who would automatically “turn on” that mommy gene, or being a selfish cow.
I am the woman who would have had a partial hysterectomy at 25 if I had been given the chance because I was so convinced I didn’t want children. For me, it would have been selfish TO have children. I’m 35, almost 36, and I am still childless, BY CHOICE. Sperm banks, male friends, one-night stands, any of those could result in a bouncy bundle of joy/stress. It’s just never been something I’ve wanted to experience.
When I got a puppy, I freaked out the first day because he required so much of me. Although I loved dogs my entire life, it was different when it was actually mine. I’m not equating animals to children; my point is that while I like children, they are not FOR me.
BTW: Kudos to your sister for advocating on behalf of the drug addicts who happened to be pregnant. And no, I can’t think of a single woman who would go out and acquire a crack habit if she found out she were pregnant.
Great post. You have a way of breaking things wide open; things that we all just take for granted. I want to say, though, that none of your ambiguity about the “role” of motherhood shows when you’re actually being a mom. When I see you with your boys, the delight is obvious, both yours and theirs. It’s always been that way, even in those awful early months. You always seem to enjoy being with your kids, more so than any other mom I know. Maybe it’s because you’ve kept the rest of you so alive–you’ve not lost yourself to mommy-hood. I think Hollis and Max (and Marty too) are very lucky boys indeed.