On a Skepchick, a skeptical blog that I frequent, there was a question posed about spanking children. Was it ok to do so? What does it teach children? Is it an effective tool in the arsenal of parenting?
And here is was response:
I believe that it is never acceptable to hit a child. My job as a parent is to raise my child to be an independent person and thinker. That said, it is not ok for one person to hit another when they disagree.
I was spanked occasionally as a child, and yelled at as well. I understand the urge to do so to my own children, but triumphing over my instincts is one of the things that got me into skepticism in the first place.
Even for skeptical parents, intuition is NOT a basis for making decisions. Rational thought, and critical thinking are. Children are people, albeit much smaller. It is not ok to hurt other people unless it is in self-defense, bottom line.
When your child goes into the "real" world, they will not be allowed to hit the people they disagree with, nor will they have someone there to "whack" them when they make a mistake. The purpose of parenting is to raise children who can make decisions in a critical manner with rational thought.
Violence as a behavior modification system is neither rational nor ethical. I truly believe that people spank because it makes you feel good to hit something that pisses you off, bottom line.
Now before many of my friends anf family who spank jump on my ass, I do not think that people who spank are wrong, evil, or abusing their children. But I do think its wrong, and I think that it does not work.
My children are no better or worse behaved than children who are spanked. In fact, here is what the research say about spanking:
From the AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS, Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, Guidance for Effective Discipline (stolen from Skepchick's Elyse):
Despite its common acceptance, and even advocacy
for its use, spanking is a less effective strategy
than time-out or removal of privileges for reducing
undesired behavior in children. Although spanking
may immediately reduce or stop an undesired behavior,
its effectiveness decreases with subsequent
use. The only way to maintain the initial effect of
spanking is to systematically increase the intensity
with which it is delivered, which can quickly escalate
into abuse. Thus, at best, spanking is only effective
when used in selective infrequent situations.
Now consensual, sexual spanking between two or more adults? Bring it on!
You do realize that little ones are not rational. I will definitely “spank” my child in certain situations. Those situations are in the case of serious harm to my child if not properly deterred. I am sure you know that children will manage to get into something they shouldn’t.
So if my son manages to get away from me and tries to run out into the road, a smack on the ass will happen. It works as a deterrent. No parent is perfect and I would rather provide a deterrent in life or death situations. The only other argument is don’t screw up.
Now when you are talking about a child greater than 2 years old, spanking serves very little purpose. Children learn to think,”is it worth getting spanked to do this action” instead of “is this wrong or right”
Jim, I know that little ones are not rational, but the situation you speak of, which is often quoted by parents as the only acceptable situation to spank, still does not justify spanking in my book.
Bottom line to, it still doesn’t work as a deterrent.
If you want to come at this from anything except an emotional perspective, you have to back it up. A lot of recent research does not support your absolute position. This isn’t a black and white issue.
Well put..I do like the fact that spnaking between concenting adults is ok…weird, but OK…
Why wouldn’t this hold true for adult spanking as well: “its effectiveness decreases with subsequent use. The only way to maintain the initial effect of spanking is to systematically increase the intensity with which it is delivered, which can quickly escalate into abuse.”
Or is having “Oklahoma” as the safety word sufficient precaution?
:-)
Stop it Tom, I can’t take the internet flirting from you. Too hot.
Oklahoma! Oklahoma!!!!
I will never think of Rodgers and Hammerstein the same way again.
I can’t not belive you are saying that hitting is the same as spanking. The intent of spanking is not to hurt the child, I WOULD NEVER HURT MY CHILDREN – EVER and the thought that you think that I spank them as a way of getting off on hurting people is crazy.
When I spank my child it is becasue they are doing something wrong and that talking to them and putting them or their toys in time out didn’t work. It is used as an attention getter, because nothing else is working. It is never in excess and NEVER hard. The fact that you think that by spanking my children that I am not raising them to be independent people and thinkers is crazy.
I do belive to each his own way of parenting. And if you don’t want to spank your children then that is your right – as a parent. But do not look down on those of us who do. All children are different and for some time out is a great thing and works well, but it doesn’t for all.
This is obviously a VERY touchy and personal parenting decision. But, I have to say, if a child under two gets away from me and runs into the road, then I need the spanking. A toddler has no ability to make decisions about his or her safety! Hitting an 18 month old baby this week is not going to prevent them from running into the road next week.
I just can’t spank my kids because I don’t believe that physical pain is a smart or loving teaching tool. And I don’t understand the idea that spanking isn’t hitting, or that it’s not supposed to cause physical pain. Isn’t that exactly what it is? I can’t smack my kid and then punish him for smacking his brother. Way too confusing, even for me.
Rock on Heidi! Never been spanked and I wouldn’t dream of hitting my child. I just couldn’t justify it at all- time out works just fine for us. If spanking were so effective, wouldn’t it still be allowed in all the schools, like it was when I was a kid. I still have horrible memories of seeing kids getting paddled out in the hallway. Every time I hear someone at Walmart threaten their kid with a spanking, it absolutely makes me nauseous. I’m sure there are more intelligent ways to act and discipline a child.
You know I’m from Oklahoma, right? :)
I think parents should endeavour not to spank. On the other hand, I also agree with you when you say “I do not think that people who spank are wrong, evil, or abusing their children”, and I think the voice of moderation is too often lacking in these discussions.
Parents should be told that yes, they should endeavour not to spank, but also that it’s not the end of the world if they do. Otherwise we risk getting parents whose determination not to spank drives them to inflict far worse punishments as a substitute (and I’m convinced this happens).
The one thing spanking has going for it over just about every alternative is that it only hurts for a few seconds, and then it’s over. I was spanked sometimes, but in my experience the physical discipline was nowhere near as psychologically damaging as some of the things that were said when I was being shouted at.
This is in no way an endorsement of physical discipline, but of all the messages we should send to parents, “don’t spank” is not as important as “try not to let your own emotions and tiredness dominate the way you treat your kids”, or “sometimes you will fail as a parent, everyone does, but everything will be OK so long as you learn from your mistakes and treat tomorrow as a new day”.