So I turn 36 today, and even had a therapy session today where my therapist paid me!! Not because I am so fucking amusing (although, let's actually go with that) but because I had an insurance credit. Score!!
So anyway, I told my therapist today something that has been stirring in my mind lately. I have been heavy for most of my life. I truly have great body image for a 240 pound woman, and it does not affect my life in hardly any way except for a few medical issues. I like fat people, and think I am pretty fucking awesome. However . . .
I definitely eat to supress emotions, and to help me deal with conflict. But lately, I have not felt as much of the need, and I think I know why.
I am not ugly because I am fat. I have never felt ugly, no matter what my weight. However, I really think that I am fat (or overeat) because part of me feels ugly on the inside.
I am loud. I curse like a sailor. I have extremely poor sexual boundaries that allow me to discuss things like kinky sex, wife swapping, taking it up the ass, and teen sex with little to no shame with complete strangers. I spend way too much time on the internet. I am a really lazy wife, mother, and employee. Sometimes I want to run away from life sometimes and become a starving lesbian artist in the utopia of San Francisco.
I am judgemental of those who are different than me. I am judgemental of those who drink or use drugs. I am judgemental of those who believe in God. I am judgemental of those who are judgemental. I am judgemental of women who use their sexuality to get attention, and then even more judgemental at myself when I do the same thing.
But guess what? The secret is that all of that is me, and it is ok! Perhaps it is the med changes, or perhaps it is growing older, but all of this is becoming ok with me. I credit my sister with inspiring this idea. She gave me the idea that it is ok to be all of those things, and still love myself. I don't have to wait until I am nicer, thinner, more patient, less judgemental, more active, or less sexual before I begin loving myself. I can do it all now, just as I am.
I also credit my huge crush on Penn Jillete with helping me to love myself. He is certainly different, obnoxious, and a completely different person ideologically than I am. However, it occurs to me that many people perceive me as obnoxious too, and that it is ok. As my sister once said about Bill Clinton, "I used to think I wanted to fuck you, and now I realize I just wanted to be you!"
So on the day that marks my 36th year on this planet, I am just trying to be happy being who I am. And it is working pretty well, because I have had the best freakin' birthday ever, and nothing is different.
Unless it is the iPhone. It is entirely possible that all of my happiness is can be directly attributed to my iPhone. If so, I am joing the church of Apple, praise be to Job.
i get a lot of what you are talking about. especially the parts of me feeling “ugly on the inside” bit. i tend to feel better about myself as long as i am still searching and learning. i become unpleasant to me and everyone else when i am stuck in a rut. my ruts can be spiritual, sexual, emotional, mental, intellectual, and on and on… it sounds like you are uncovering new revelations about yourself,that’s awesome. Happy Birthday!
1) Happy Birthday!
2) I have fought (correction fight daily) the things you have described. I battle myself on the inside and have slowly but surely learned to love me. The part you wrote about the judging people? Hahaha that IS me. Obnoxious, cursing, no sex talk is off limits? Check! Oi if only we were closer I would love to have you over for tea and cookies :)
I am so happy you blog and I love getting to know you this way!
People who always live up to their ideals have probably set their ideals too low. It’s okay to not live up to the standards we would like to reach…that’s just life. I would say that people who do approach their high ideals become all the more aware of their shortcomings as they do.
However, it is critical to keep those ideals in mind. Appreciating who you are and loving yourself is important. But no one should let it be their primary goal. Be noble, be courageous, be compassionate, be patient, be loving…because frankly any idiot can just be himself.
If you think changes to yourself would make you a better person (and you should be sure that YOU are the one who thinks that), don’t be afraid to pursue them. And don’t punish yourself when they don’t come easily or quickly.
That’s a cool story. And happy birthday! :)