Late Night Manic Fun on Craigslist

So last night in the manic throes of trolling for sex chat on the internet (oh how I wish I was joking) I got on Craigslist for fun. It really is a fun place to go to feel better about yourself.

I found some PRIZE people looking for love, right here in my area. So here are Spartanburg’s finest, what their ad says, and what it really means. Thanks to all my friends who helped with this, especially Kimberly and Eileen.

Ad#1

I’m looking for a classy woman to go out with and just have a good time so if you interested please email me back.

Because nothing says class like a car parked in your yard.

Ad#2  The Unicorn Hunters

Are you looking for something different, something fun yet stable? Tell you what would be nice to find someone who is looking for a relationship with a couple/family. We are both married I am 31 nice body, beautiful long dirty blond hair with blue eyes and 5’4″. I am constantly told I am either HOT, GORGEIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, you name it. My husband is very attractive dark hair, dark eyes, and medium to average build 5’8″. We have 3 little girls, 6.7 and 8. What are we looking for? A live in Nanny with benefits someone who enjoys going to the beach for a long weekend to stay at our family beach house with us. Someone to enjoy the days with, along with this and so much more would be the responsibility to help with the kids, so you must love kids.

Come screw me and my husband, and then take care of our children. Who would not be looking for that?

Ad#3 To Catch A Predator Edition

Looking for a cute girl who is getting ready to graduate high school, but doesn’t know what is next. I can be your safe haven and your bridge to the nest level. I know this sounds cheesy, but I am serious, and can help you in a variety of ways. I am clean cut and professional, yet artistic and real, and am not looking for anybody who wants my credit card number for the next conversation. I look forward to hearing from ya’ll….

I will screw you until you are not hot and I have used up your youth and beauty. And don’t be one of those whores like the other girls.

Ad #4: What the Hell is Going On in Spartanburg?

What I DONT want is someone who says, F it lets drink and watch pornos and light up snort stuff and whatever else comes to mind. No condoms? No problem, I dont mind sharing my multiple std’s that I have worked hard for over the years to get with you. HELL NO AND STAY THE FIZZUCK UP OUT OF MY SIGHT! That type of BS can keep on living off BHO’s free mone

Ad#5

Looking for lady to share nudist family friendly activities and events.

What kind of nudist activities are family friendly for someone you just met on Craigslist?

Ad#5

I like older women. Are there any women on here that like young men. I like to have fun doing whatever. I am pretty laid back. I like laying in hammocks and just flirting. I am a lumberjack around the area and am currently going to college for Philosophy

Where the hell is this lumberjack cutting down trees in Upstate South Carolina?

Ad#5

I am a 25 year old white male on here looking for a female that is of any other race or nationality other than white(caucasian). I am really into Hispanic or Asian women. I am 5’5 200lbs, brown hair and eyes. I don’t do drugs or smoke, but I do drink on occasion. I am disease free, have zero kids, & have never been married. I enjoy cooking & eating all types of food.

I have a fetish for asian women and expect you too cook me food while being as subservient as I think Asian women are.

Ad#6

Any ladies interested in meeting a new man in their life? Hit me up on my yahoo messenger latinspice00

anything with spice in it is code word for it burns when I pee

Ad#7

24 yr old seeks older women milf

Please pay my rent, my mother has kicked me out.

Ad#8

SINGLE BLACK FEMALES WANT TO TRAVEL AND HAVE ALL EXPENSES PAID??? (GREENVILLE) single white male with my own business is seeking single black female for companionship to accompany me while I travel…I will pay all your expenses and provide for you all that you may need…You must be over 21,,single ,, be slim or average body type..and free to travel..If you are having a tough time getting your bills paid . . .

black women of Greenville, stay the hell away from this man!!!!

Ad#9

ANY LADIES INTO NASCAR? ANYONE WANT TO WATCH RACE TONITE? HAVE A COUPLE OF STEAKS & LITTLE FUN!!!! ALSO COCKTAILS.

Do people really go watch NASCAR, eat steaks, and drink cocktails with people they just met?

Ad#10

I’m looking for a female in the 18-28 range who is also a nerd/geek type, leaning towards video/card games. With me being average, I expect you to be average in looks and weight as well.

You can be no more or less ugly than me.

Ad#11

I am looking for a woman who would love to have exotic, kinky, and wild sex outside their relationship. You must be disease free. Also willing to be very discreet about everything.. I dont want to know anything about your personal life and you dont ask mine..So ladies if your looking for a little fun outside your marriage im your man

Lying POS seeks same.

Ad#12

Honesty at last: I am a nice guy when i must be, but in all honesty i can be a bit of a dick, i know what i want, i have my goals and nothing is going to come in the way of those. OK, now i’m not a huge guy, not small either,

I can offer you an average sized penis and a promise of a dickish attitude.

Ad#13

goodlooking gentleman, classy and honest. The total package. Im fun and creative. I know how to show a lady a great time. I also have an adventurous, “bad boy”side and cant be tamed but you will enjoy the ride. Im looking for a mature lady, not necessarily older, but emotionally sound. She should be reasonably goodlooking and height/weight propor

You like this.

height/weight propor? So, like, round? Completely sphereical? Not sure a mature lady would fall for this “bad boy’s” bullshit.

I’m planning to cheat on my wife. I’m going to pick a dull woman with low self-esteeem so I can get away with it.

Douche. Ew.

And last but by far my favorite

Ad#14

HEY why cant i just find a good girl? . . . Hey im Thomas, why cant i just find a descent girl. Everytime i think i found one she turns out to be sycho. . . l. I’m 5’10” i have black hair with blonde highlights. . . .also have my left eye brow and tongue pierced with for tattoos. I have 2 little boys who live with their mom.

Let’s see Thomas, why can’t you find a good girl:

1. your spell decent with descent, they are not the same. A descent girl would slowly drag you into hell.

2. You spell psycho with sycho

3. You are 24 and have two little boys who live with their mom

4. You have four, not FOR tattoos. Its a number goddammit, how do you fuck up a number

5. I have 2 little boys who live with their mom.

Black hair with blond highlights? Tongue piercing? Methinks someone is not looking for a woman after all.

Why? For God’s sake, can’t this man find a good woman?

Why are random men writing you with bad grammar and hitting on you? Sounds kinda creepy.

LMAO…
And I don’t see how that’s even possible (black hair with BLOND “highlights”…..)

Think Backstreet Boys, FROM 1999!!!

Yeah Heidi, I think you nailed it!! The reasons the dude isn’t getting laid, I mean…….goood lord!!!!!!!! what are they doing in Sparkle City these days!!! I get that you may be kinky….but what is up with the spelling??

This dude is obviously 2 beers short of a six pack. Butt I is shure he wil find sumone four him if he loks herd enuf.