I posted a link earlier this week about a “new” tumblr blog that was very interesting. What I did not tell was that it was MY blog, and that it was centered around weight loss.
How does the author of a blog called “The Fat One in the Middle” start a new blog? By admitting my need for “Moving to the Front!”
And what kinds of riveting posts am I doing there? I am blogging about food, clothes, and my love of axolotls and how I am using their amphibian/fish nature to represent me.
Under a description of the blog, I wrote this:
Heidi accepts that she is fooling no one into thinking she is a selfless, deep, non-appearance oriented person just because she is fat. Radical shifts occur.
So how did this happen?
My husband took control of his health about 5 years ago when he started running, and his willingness to do that, and really work on our marriage, are what gave me the inspiration to transform my body and my mindset. He wants me here with the kids and he as long as possible, and wants me to enjoy life. I can’t thank him enough.
But even more importantly, I fucked up this year. A lot. With many, many different people in many, many different situations. I would like to continue to blame everything on my dad’s death, but it does not all come from that. I was selfish, petty, vain, self-centered, lazy, short-sighted, self-promoting, careless, dishonest, attention-seeking, and just plain rude to people I loved, including family, friends, and co-workers. I was NOT a very nice person.
And several of my friends called me on it. Some nicely, some cruelly. And guess what I learned?
I can fuck up. I can be all of those things above, and even worse. I can show people the absolute grossest, darkest parts of myself, things I thought I hiding – and they still love me. I was bowled over by the forgiveness and non-judgmental responses from people. Now of course, not everyone responded that way, and that is ok. I learned that some people are so disgusted by who I am that they can’t be around me. And I am trying to respect that.
But I am awesome – warts and all! Do I hog the spotlight in group settings? Yes! Do I take too much time to talk when moderating panels? SHAMELESSLY so! Do I have a constant need for attention? Damn straight! Do I call myself bi-sexual when I have never slept with a woman? I do!! Do I consider myself kinky even though my first foray into the world of organized BDSM found me mostly uninterested? Hell yeah!!! Have I historically found ways to retell stories and events in ways that make it look like I am the victim and other people are mean, mean bad guys! Indubitably! Do I love to be in people’s business? Most of the time, although this one is actually lessening :)
But I am also a truly sincere person who would drop anything to help a friend if they needed it and were asked to do so (the asking is key – my head is often up my ass). I am also a person who tries to connect people she knows who could enhance each other’s lives. And I am also a person that you can truly tell anything to, and not have me be shocked, disgusted, or freaked out. I would, however, encourage you to tell me if you want it kept secret. I am learning that MY boundaries for private are far, far different than the boundaries of most people.
Have I gone on and on about how hot and sexy fat women are while secretly being uncomfortable with my own weight? Yes!! And I DO find fat women hot and sexy.
But my body hurts. My dad died at 61 from heart problems. I am pre-diabetic. My blood pressure is high. And I am a vain fucker who wants to be able to escape the qualifier she has put on herself for over 20 years.But guess what? I will be vain at 250 or vain or 150. Being fat does not hide anything – all it does is make some people less threatened by me. Well too bad. If you find a thinner Heidi threatening, you probably did not like the fat Heidi very much anyway.
I am done hiding. I am done pretending I am humble. I am done pretending I am not vain. I am done pretending that I don’t want the things that I want, and I am not going to apologize for who I am.
A wise woman once told me (ok it was an email from Joreth about a day ago) that I need to remember that I am not a finished product, but rather a work in progress. I like this much better.
I will continue to fuck up. I can guarantee it. But now, I am going to accept what I fuck up, ask for forgiveness, and move the fuck on. I will no longer continue to allow the hate for my flaws to manifest itself in hate for my body.
And the way I was eating was not joyful, it was frantic. It was not a celebration of life, it was a non-prescription anti-anxiety med. Is that the case with all fat people? Probably not. But I am too self-centered to know that, go ask them!
So, if I am not The Fat One in the Middle, who the fuck am I?