Thanks to the evil machinations of FB friend Kelly Kel, supported by dozens of others, I have become a Doctor Who fan. It started with promises of hot gay sex on the Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood, and once I saw that, I was hooked into that universe. Or universes as it turns out.
Like many average looking women, I was completely bowled over by the character of Donna Noble. She is a temp who manages to cross paths with The Doctor and eventually become his companion. Not only is she not the drop dead gorgeous companions of the past, she actively harasses The Doctor in ways none of the other companions did. She pulls his Time Lord pigtails over and over again.
I won’t go into any spoilers about where the following passage comes from, or what the context is, but when I watched this scene in Doctor Who I found myself crying.
NEW DOCTOR
No, but you are. (looking at her as if he’s just understanding) Oh. You really don’t believe that, do you? I can see, Donna… what you’re thinking. All that attitude. All that lip. Cos all this time… you think you’re not worth it.DONNA
Stop it!NEW DOCTOR
Shouting at the world, cos no-one’s listening. Well… why should they?DONNA
Doctor. Stop it.
This scene knocked me flat on my ass. Why AM I shouting at the world all of the time? Why do I have so much attitude, so much lip? Why do I see everything as a fight, a struggle in which I have to prove myself? Why do I make everything such a fucking battle?
Because underneath all that bluster, all that armor, all that stuff I think makes me look like a bad ass, a part of me is terribly afraid that nothing that I say is worth hearing.
It would be easy to stop here and wait for the chorus of people to chime in with accolades of my wit, my intelligence, my beauty, and my general awesomeness. But it would not work. It would be a quick salve that would last until I felt needy again, and then I would once again need to hear it outside of myself.
But guess what else is inside me? A growing part of me that thinks, no KNOWS, that what I have to say, what I have to offer this world is unique and worthwhile. The matter and electrical energy that comprises me has NEVER existed in this combination before, and it never will again. If I compare myself to other people, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, sexier, more feminist, more skeptical, a better writer, or even more bad assed. And that is ok – this is not a competition. But no one can EVER be Heidi Marie Anderson better than me, and I can’t be them.
As long as I try to convince other people of my worth, I will come up short. Haters gonna hate. Someone will always have issues with me.
But as long as I KNOW my worth, that worth can never be taken.
Thank you for one of the most delightful expressions of nerdy hotness I’ve seen in a good long while.
You ARE awesome. You ARE badassed. You ARE beautiful and smart and witty and kind.
But above all else you are HEIDI. We see YOU, we love YOU, and we always will.
I adore you. You’ve taken so much about the things I love about Who and wrapped it up in your own unique way.
Donna was…brilliant. I connected with her as many women did. She was real and that was delightful. It’s something that happens rarely on American television and even less in American films. I love that you connected with her so brilliantly. Like the Doctor once told Donna when she said, “Don’t be daft. I’m nothing special.” – “Yes, you are. You’re brilliant!”
Like you with Donna, that’s how I meshed with Rose. Rose was me at 19. Down to the bleached blonde hair. No real education. Working in a shop. Living with my single mother. Lame boyfriends (who would not turn out anywhere near as cool as Mickey Smith). But she was secretly different – thinking there had to be something else and trying to melt into the background when it got to be too much for her. But despite the fact that she was traditionally uneducated, poor, with seemingly little to offer the world other than blonde hair and great tits, she was the one who could and would tell the most powerful alien in the universe he was wrong (and be right about when she did). Ultimately, as frightening as some things were for her, she was, at the end, not afraid to stand up for what she believed in and risk her life for it.
And that’s what’s so great about Who – and RTD’s Who in particularly. He was just so damned brilliant at writing women.
You’re a worthy companion of the Doctor, sweetcheeks. :) I’m glad I met you. My skeptic friends that I’ve met on Facebook are kinda like the Doctor in a way – you’ve saved my ass more times than I can relate. You’re amazing and unique – growing up in a place that could have totally stripped you of your skepticism and female power, you stayed strong and became an intelligent, free-thinking, powerful woman. Think of just how brilliant THAT makes you. :D
I totally second Jay’s reply!! and I can totally sympathize with feeling you’re not good enough and that no one really cares, but you really are good enough and heaps of people care! You know this deep down, you just need to kick the self-doubt monster in the arse every so often
xx ~ Fae
I didn’t see this blog post until today… I actually had been chatting on the phone with a customer service clerk recently; I suggested that she look for this blog, and I realized I haven’t looked at it for awhile myself. Heidi, I was so happy to finally meeting you at TAM9, and I realize that there have been a lot of transitions in your life since you wrote this blog post. I had watched Dr. Who previously, but really became wrapped up in its universes because of TORCHWOOD, too. Not necessarily all because of the hot gay sex, but there was something about the otherwise ordinary lives of the characters — their prosaic concerns and complications in such stark contrast with the otherworldliness of TORCHWOOD the organization, and its interactions with aliens, etc. — it was a more accurate portrayal of how I could imagine my boring life spiced up with Contact :-)
There was something going on like that with both the Doctor’s companions, Rose and Donna Noble. If it touched you, I think it’s because it speaks to the human condition. Ninety-eight percent of life is boring, repetitive struggle – that magical 2% of entertainment, surprise and high emotional response is our interaction with aliens, prehistoric animals, hot gay sex… Time Lords. You’re groovy and normal. (Really – like on Prairie Home Companion – in the group that’s 50% above average.) I don’t even know if you are still thinking about some of the issues in the blog post… but just in case :-)
I don’t know you from Adam (or from Eve, for that matter), but when I googled this quote your post came up. It summed up exactly what I was feeling (this was why I was googling the quote in the first place). Thank you for putting words to what I was feeling. Know that you touched a random stranger’s heart. That’s gotta mean something, right?