I am still THIS person, the person who wears a tutu on her head for her Princess Son!
“ If women told the truth, the world would crack open,” Audre Lorde
This morning, I got an email that I knew would come. I did not know who would send it, or when it would come, but I was sure of its eventual arrival.
When I first started thinking about losing weight/eating better/etc, I remember being afraid of a backlash. Thinking that people who enjoyed my “fuck you society!” posts about being fat would be disappointed in me. Worried that if I wrote about something so mundane and trivial as weight loss and food, that people would think less of me. That I was “bowing down to the man” or selling out.
Several of my friends thought I was ridiculous to think that this would happen. All of those friends were thin. My fat friends knew exactly what I was talking about.
So this morning, I basically got the “Heidi, I am glad you are trying to get healthy, but why are you writing about it and posting your weight and focusing on this and I am sad to see you become this. You were an inspiration to me and now I am sad.”
And it hurt, but like most things, it hurt because it was true.
I AM writing about weight loss, and posting my numbers, and any petty thoughts I may have. I AM writing about being hungry and how it feels to wear smaller clothes, and the battle that goes on in my heart in regards to my love of being mobile and there for my children that sometimes seems at odds with my love of my curves.
But this is the price I pay for living “publicly” – when you put your thoughts and actions out in the public arena, people are free to comment on them. And I understand that.
But the focus on my weight is only the flip side of what was a false confidence about my weight. I have never thought I was ugly – NEVER! This is not about that. But part of the reason I focused so hard on building my identity into that of the “happy fat girl” or the “outrageous fat girl” was so that I would not have to deal with REAL ASPECTS of myself.
Continue reading Cracking Open My World*
Fat girl accepts that she is fooling no one into thinking she is a selfless, deep, non-appearance oriented person just because she is fat. Radical shifts occur.
I have been on an ADHD medicine for about three months now, and one of the side effects is decreased appetite. Funny how amphetamines do that to you. Even though people have told me that I looked thinner, I was not sure about it until I tried on a pair of jeans that had not fit in two years, and they fit beautifully. I should be happy, right?
The last time I was at a doctor, I weighed 250. The weight of a football player. Generally when I tell people this, they rush to tell me how I do not LOOK like I weight 250, which only shows me that their friends lie about their weight. I KNOW what women weigh, because I have been all of those weights in my life. I never play the “Guess My Weight” game with women, because I am generally pretty damn close, and it pisses them off. In real life, most women weight over 150.
I started my life as a small baby. I was so small that my mother claimed she was actually frightened of me; afraid of me being so delicate. I stayed petite and pretty all through my toddlerhood, and was also incredibly gorgeous, if I do say so myself :)
My father and I, when I was about 2.
I am not sure at what point the warnings about getting fat began. but I do know that my father struggled with his own weight for his entire life. His father was big, his mother was big, and his brother was big, so thin was not something that came naturally. I remember seeing my father at all weights throughout his life, and much like my obese grandmother, he was most thin and gaunt immediately prior to death.
My father, uncle, and grandmother shortly prior to her death.
My father prior to his death.
Continue reading SMILE – You’ve Lost Weight!
Yesterday on Skepchick, Rebecca Watson brought up the horrible misogynistic crap directed at a female journalist who interviewed Paul Offit. It involved talk of rape, whoredom, and the general stuff that gets thrown at women. It also featured a gross depiction of pro-vaccination people eating dead babies.
This is disgusting. Very much so. However, skeptics need to clean their own house of the same type of behavior. In less than one hour and five searches, I was able to pull up equally disturbing imagery and comments directed at Jenny McCarthy. I have also heard skeptics refer to Jenny and Oprah as evil on more than one occasion, and refer to Oprah as fat and insinuate she is unfuckable. Continue reading Sluts are Stupid!!!
So I turn 36 today, and even had a therapy session today where my therapist paid me!! Not because I am so fucking amusing (although, let's actually go with that) but because I had an insurance credit. Score!!
So anyway, I told my therapist today something that has been stirring in my mind lately. I have been heavy for most of my life. I truly have great body image for a 240 pound woman, and it does not affect my life in hardly any way except for a few medical issues. I like fat people, and think I am pretty fucking awesome. However . . .
I definitely eat to supress emotions, and to help me deal with conflict. But lately, I have not felt as much of the need, and I think I know why.
I am not ugly because I am fat. I have never felt ugly, no matter what my weight. However, I really think that I am fat (or overeat) because part of me feels ugly on the inside.
I am loud. I curse like a sailor. I have extremely poor sexual boundaries that allow me to discuss things like kinky sex, wife swapping, taking it up the ass, and teen sex with little to no shame with complete strangers. I spend way too much time on the internet. I am a really lazy wife, mother, and employee. Sometimes I want to run away from life sometimes and become a starving lesbian artist in the utopia of San Francisco.
I am judgemental of those who are different than me. I am judgemental of those who drink or use drugs. I am judgemental of those who believe in God. I am judgemental of those who are judgemental. I am judgemental of women who use their sexuality to get attention, and then even more judgemental at myself when I do the same thing.
But guess what? The secret is that all of that is me, and it is ok! Perhaps it is the med changes, or perhaps it is growing older, but all of this is becoming ok with me. I credit my sister with inspiring this idea. She gave me the idea that it is ok to be all of those things, and still love myself. I don't have to wait until I am nicer, thinner, more patient, less judgemental, more active, or less sexual before I begin loving myself. I can do it all now, just as I am.
I also credit my huge crush on Penn Jillete with helping me to love myself. He is certainly different, obnoxious, and a completely different person ideologically than I am. However, it occurs to me that many people perceive me as obnoxious too, and that it is ok. As my sister once said about Bill Clinton, "I used to think I wanted to fuck you, and now I realize I just wanted to be you!"
So on the day that marks my 36th year on this planet, I am just trying to be happy being who I am. And it is working pretty well, because I have had the best freakin' birthday ever, and nothing is different.
Unless it is the iPhone. It is entirely possible that all of my happiness is can be directly attributed to my iPhone. If so, I am joing the church of Apple, praise be to Job.
I once took a trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina by myself. It was amazing and empowering, and all that stuff that happens when women travel alone.
I decided to go hang gliding from Kill Devil Hills. When I called the company that does it, the salesman said "How much do you weigh?" When I told him (224 at the time) he sighed and said "We're gonna need a lot of wind!"
Once when I was at a national domestic violence conference, I went up to an amazing Native American speaker (there is at least one at every conference – white women love Native American speakers) and asked her what it was "like" in her community as a "woman of size."
So basically I said "Hey, you're fat and Indian, how's that working out for 'ya?"