In April, on the weekend of my 38th birthday, I will be in Washington [...]]]> Last year, I was sure that discussing safe anal sex procedures in front of famed atheist/evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins at TAM (during a workshop on sexuality) would be the highlight of my speaking career. Now, I am not so sure.

In April, on the weekend of my 38th birthday, I will be in Washington DC presenting a workshop at Momentum, at conference that is “making waves in sexuality, feminism and relationships through new media!” Not only that, but I will be presenting at the same conference as just about every single one of the women I have followed in the sex positive community, including Tristan Taormino, Always Aroused Girl, Anita Wagner, Jenny Block, Dylan Ryan, Carol Queen, Ducky Doolittle, and SUSIE FREAKING BRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

My workshop:

A Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Vanilla Go DownPresenter
Heidi Anderson

Sexual assault prevention has generally been focused on two things: teaching women strategies to avoid being victims (watching your drink, parking in well lit areas) and teaching men that “no means no!” This not only reinforces the “women are the gatekeepers and men are the aggressors” sexual stereotype, but also patronizes, alienates, and makes heterosexist assumptions about the very audience it is intended to reach. In addition, the heavy focus on date rape drugs and stranger assault ignore the reality of what the majority of sexual violence actually looks like.

But what if we approached it from a different perspective? What would happen if we used the opportunity to share a vision of healthy sexuality, rather than using horror stories to scare young people into “good behavior?” What would a consent curriculum based on sexual negotiation techniques practiced in BDSM and non-monogamy look like? Can kink practices make sex safer for everyone?

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This post, Dream Come True – Combining Sex Positivity and Sexual Assault Reduction, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on February 7, 2011.

It started off similar to what I was saying:

I remember my first encounters with the sex positivity/sex positive movement, especially through the internet. I remember loving [...]]]> After my most recent post on sex positivity, blog friend/mentor/hero aag tweeted the link to a post on madame thursday called “sex positivity and other lies”.

It started off similar to what I was saying:

I remember my first encounters with the sex positivity/sex positive movement, especially through the internet. I remember loving the basic principle of the thing: “Sex is awesome! No one should be ashamed of their sexuality or wanting sex! Let’s bring it out into the open so we can all enjoy a healthy, happy relationship with sex!”

Yeah! Rock on.  Sex positive is awesome!!!! And then . . .

But there was this lie in the whole thing, and the lie was told by blog after blog, webpage after webpage that talked a great game about how we can be open about sex, but seemed to equate sex with the nude bodies of thin, conventionally attractive, blonde white women in male-gaze centric pornography, as though if I really pushed myself to enjoy such titles as Biker Bitches 5 and clinically lit photoshoots of a woman with her legs in improbably acrobatic positions, I’d be making the world a better place.

Oh yeah. That part.

People have been celebrating the sexualities of attractive white people for centuries. In fact, I’d say if there were ever a time when people’s discomfort towards sex dissipates and they’re willing to accept, tolerate, and engage with sexual content is WHEN it comes in the form of these bodies, these pre-approved forms.

But what about the queer porn?

Worse yet, so many queer oriented blogs are so white, able, and cis that it hurts. I’m a pansexual/cisgender/cissexual person, and when I see these blogs I see the white, Western version of queerdom splattered across the screen.

Oh god. She is right. Jesus.

If you’re sex positive and you’re not making an active effort to include and celebrate all kinds of sexuality from all kinds of people? You’re a fucking liar. There it is. You’re a liar.

Because sex positivity and body positivity and anti-racism and fat acceptance and the disability movement and queer positivity and womanism are part of the same thing.

So I say FUCK sex positivity. I want sex inclusivity.

I think we just got schooled. I know I’m taking notes.

Thank you madame thursday.



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This post, Sex Positive? Or Sex INCLUSIVE??, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on August 16, 2010.

In fact, due to raising the money quicker than I expected, I am cutting off the bidding for lunch with Dr. Aubrey de Grey and will instead pay [...]]]> In a completely unexpected turn of events, I completed the fundraising campaign early and Will Phillips and his family will be able to come to DragonCon!!!

In fact, due to raising the money quicker than I expected, I am cutting off the bidding for lunch with Dr. Aubrey de Grey and will instead pay for he and the Phillips family to have lunch together!

Thanks to everyone who helped, and here is a great pic of Will getting ready!

Will Phillips Gets Ready for Dragon Con

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This post, We Did It!!!! Will Phillips and Family Are Coming to Dragon Con!!, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on August 11, 2010.

Having described myself as a sex-positive feminist in many places, I am often asked what that means. Rather than strain my own overworked brain on describing it, I have found a remarkable resource on the internet that has already done it. According to Wikipedia, the resource of [...]]]>

Jiz Lee - remember the name!

Having described myself as a sex-positive feminist in many places, I am often asked what that means. Rather than strain my own overworked brain on describing it, I have found a remarkable resource on the internet that has already done it. According to Wikipedia, the resource of choice for scholars such as myself, the sex positive movement as described by sexologist Carol Queen is as follows:

Sex-positive, a term that’s coming into cultural awareness, isn’t a dippy love-child celebration of orgone – it’s a simple yet radical affirmation that we each grow our own passions on a different medium, that instead of having two or three or even half a dozen sexual orientations, we should be thinking in terms of millions. “Sex-positive” respects each of our unique sexual profiles, even as we acknowledge that some of us have been damaged by a culture that tries to eradicate sexual difference and possibility.^[4]

It’s the cultural philosophy that understands sexuality as a potentially positive force in one’s life, and it can, of course, be contrasted with sex-negativity, which sees sex as problematic, disruptive, dangerous. Sex-positivity allows for and in fact celebrates sexual diversity, differing desires and relationships structures, and individual choices based on consent.^[5]

Professor Wikipedia then describes how this relates to feminism:

Sex-positive feminism, also known as pro-sex feminism, sex-radical feminism, or sexually liberal feminism, is a movement that began in the early 1980s. Some became involved in the sex-positive feminist movement in response to efforts by anti-pornography feminists, such as Catharine MacKinnon, Andrea Dworkin, Robin Morgan and Dorchen Leidholdt, to put pornography at the center of a feminist explanation of women’s oppression (McElroy, 1995). This period of intense debate and acrimony between sex-positive and anti-pornography feminists during the early 1980s is often referred to as the “Feminist Sex Wars“. Other less academic sex-positive feminists became involved not in opposition to other feminists but in direct response to what they saw as patriarchal control of sexuality. Authors who have advocated sex-positive feminism include Ellen Willis, Susie Bright, Patrick Califia, Gayle Rubin, Carol Queen, Avedon Carol, Tristan Taormino, Diana Cage, and Betty Dodson, who could be regarded as the grandmother of the movement.

And in a show that I can indeed trust this Wikipedia on this particular issue, they end the article with one of my favorite books, The Ethical Slut

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities is an English language non-fiction narrative written by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (a pseudonym of Janet Hardy). It is credited with raising awareness of the possibility of consensual non-monogamy as a lifestyle, and providing practical guidance on how such long-term relationships work and are put into practice.

So, I will finish up this article I have barely written with MY list of favorite sex positive blogs/people/festivals/pets/breakfast cereals.

Heather Corinna – creator of Scarleteen, a sex positive resource for teens (SFW Safe for Work)

Susie Bright – one of the most prolific and one of my personal favorites (SFW)

Tristan Taormino – author, filmmaker, activist, anal sex guru (NSFW NOT Safe for Work)

Betty Dodson – one of the original sex positive leaders (SFW)

Kelly Shibari – BBW porn star and social media guru (NSFW)

aagblog – my mentor in this field, still one of the best blogs around (NSFW)

Tacit – amazing man, just amazing, BDSM, polyamory, skepticism, and transhumanism. And figging. (SFW)

Femina Potens – sex pos feminist art gallery created by Madison Young (NSFW)

Gloria Brame – Sex Positivity and BDSM friendly (NSFW)

Jane Says – sex positive guide to the web (NSFW)

Jiz Lee – genderqueer porn superstar (and personal crush of mine) (NSFW)

MinivanLibertine – pro-sex, feminist, pro-sex, atheist, and also pro-sex (NSFW)

Sarah Sloane – excellent sex educator (SFW)

Shanna Katz – another great sex educator (SFW)

The Beautiful Kind – if you have thought it, she has done it or researched it (NSFW)

Mollena -truly one of a kind woman (SFW)

Emily Nagoski – sex nerd(SFW)

Dirty BlaQ Boi – hot, smart, and southern (NSFW)

Genderfork – a celebration of gender ambiguity (SFW)

Dr. Petra Boyton – one of the best, most comprehensive and open minded science based sex educators out there (SFW)

Annie Sprinkle – sex goddess :) (NSFW)

Carol Queen – activist, author, sex educator, and much much more (SFW)

Feminisnt – controversial, cerebral, and unflinchingly honest, the blog of internet porn star Furry Girl (NSFW)

Midwest Teen Sex Show – possibly the funniest and most accurate sex information out there, with the always awesome Nikol Hasler (SFW)

Sexual Intelligence – Marty Klein, PhD, sex therapist and author, and voice of sanity in a sea of judgieness (SFW)

Cory Silverberg – About Sexuality (SFW)

Charlie Glickman – PhD, Manager of the famous Good Vibrations Store’s Education Programs (SFW)

I feel as if I am forgetting someone, so feel free to add in your own comments about what sex positive blogs you follow!

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This post, What The Hell Does Sex Positive Mean?, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on August 10, 2010.

So, if you want to help get Will and his family to DragonCon in Atlanta THIS Labor Day for [...]]]> Thanks to the incredible generosity of SO many donors, I only have $700 $600 $500 $330 (As of July 26, 2010) to raise fully fund the trip to DragonCon for marriage equality activist Will Phillips.

So, if you want to help get Will and his family to DragonCon in Atlanta THIS Labor Day for his birthday, PLEASE help me by donating below! Click on the photo to be taken to Paypal :)

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This post, Only $330 Left to Get Will Phillips to DragonCon, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on July 19, 2010.

I will continue to talk, tweet, blog, and FB about this until I have raised the money, and there [...]]]> In over three days, we have managed to raise $500 of the $3,000 needed to bring LGBT activist Will Phillips and his family to Atlanta this Labor Day for the nerd herd that is DragonCon!

I will continue to talk, tweet, blog, and FB about this until I have raised the money, and there is no stopping me when I have a goal in mind.

So thanks to all of you who donated to support the boy who supports marriage equality!

To those of you who have not yet donated, you can do so here:

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This post, Over $500 Raised for Will Phillips Birthday in Three Days!!, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on July 3, 2010.

When the next show came on, she comes up and says, "Are [...]]]> I was at a lovely Mexican restaurant with my children and husband for dinner tonight. The sweet young hostess even put the tv near us on Nickelodeon so the children would zone out while eating and Marty and I could talk. Bliss.

When the next show came on, she comes up and says, "Are you ok with your kids watching Spongebob? Do you want me to change the channel?"

I smile and say "Oh no, we have been watching Spongebob for years. I love it, and know all the episodes by heart." It's true. My favorite line is Patrick laughing and saying "Hahahaha, it's a giraffe!"

She says, "Well, I don't let my 21/2 year old daughter watch it because some people think Spongebob is . . . you know, GAY! I don't want her to be exposed to that."

I am horrified. I did not know people like this existed apart from the "Good" Reverend Jerry Falwell; I thought it was just a myth. I mean, for Christ sake, he is a sponge! Although I guess Patrick did dress up as a girl once, and Spongebob and he did adopt that clam together. . . but it's a cartoon!

I just smile and nod, and hope she goes away.

The rest of the meal was good, but it stuck with me. And then, in my mind, I replaced gay with black, or Jewish, or Muslim, or anything this young girl might have been afraid of. I decided I had to say something.

As I got my sons' coats from her, I thanked her profusely for her assistance in making our evening enjoyable. I then leaned in, when no one else was there and said, "You need to be careful about talking poorly about gay people with strangers. You don't know me, and you don't know what I think. I have friends and family members who are gay, and I don't appreciate it."

She mumbles some apology about also having gay friends, and how sorry she is, and whatever.

I smile sweetly, and tell her "Also, Spongebob is a sponge. Sponges are asexual invertebrates – just so you know."

I felt so smug and self-aware and proud of myself. And I still am.

But I just wiki'ed sponges, and goddammit, they reproduce sexually!

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This post, Tacos and Tolerance, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on January 16, 2009.