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I am Heidi Anderson, a foxy feminist atheist skeptic fat chick, wife, and mom with a hard-core science fetish!
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Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton's classic book is called "The Ethical Slut". Lots of people forget one important part of that title.02:11:34 PM July 30, 2010from TweetDeck
Lesson learned: Specialness does not come from other people's attention. If it is not from inside, it is not real and can be lost quickly.11:00:41 AM July 30, 2010from TweetDeck
It is no secret that there is dissent within the skeptical ranks, both in terms of philosophy and method. What may be less known is that there is even drama within the micro sub-cultures of this “movement”, some of which I am less than proud to be a part of. When James Randi split from CSICOP in the 90′s, or more recently when Paul Kurtz left CFI, no one assumed their disagreements were based in gender.
However, when the disagreements are between women, certain people like to paint them as “catfights”, which lessens the seriousness of ALL involved (full disclosure – I, Heidi Anderson, am certain people). Women are not a monolithic group, and although many of us call ourselves skeptics AND feminists, we often can not agree on whether skepticism needs feminism, or feminism needs skepticism. Others shun the term feminist completely.
Some disagree with sexy behavior at cons, and others think it is good light-hearted fun that brings in people who may normally think skeptics are stodgy old white dudes. Or ONLY stodgy old white dudes. We have disagreements on sexuality, pornography, prostitution, and even things that do not specifically involve women at all (imagine that!) We are labeled too confrontational or too gentle depending on our methods of outreach.
And you know what? None of that matters. While we are busy using our freedom to prove ourselves different from our allies on the side of reason, a 42 year old mother of two in Iran is facing a death sentence resulting from a forced confession of adultery. She will be buried up to her chest, and stoned to death. Small stones will be used, so as to slow down her death and cause her more pain. And her “confession”? According to a human rights attorney, it was only gained after 99 lashes.
So, as TAM8 approaches, and friends gather, and we have panels on women in skepticism, and skepticism and feminism, and all sorts of things that we as Westerners have the luxury of thinking about, is it too much to ask the skeptical community and blogosphere to investigate this story, and see what REAL DIFFERENCES we can make? Can we step outside, as my friend Will Phillips said, “our tiny little mind boxes” and remember that as we wage these petty wars on each other, a war against reason continues to rage across the globe, with a 42 year old mother of two poised to become the next victim.
I have nice boobs. Very, very nice boobs in fact. I also like to show my nice boobs and I like it when people look at them. Generally, my goal with showing my boobs is two-fold: 1) everyone in the world will fall madly in love with me and my boobs and 2) I will not look like an apple on sticks.
So surely this means I am whipping those sweater puppies out today for Boobquake right?
No. Boobquake bothers me. And not for the reasons many people think.
First, I hate empty protests. You can only raise awareness so much before you need to act. And raising awareness with people who are already aware is just preaching to the choir.
I had this argument with people about the “green screens for Iran” and the debate about calling for the arrest of the Pope. Talking about things all day long is great and can make you feel good and smart. But to accomplish anything in this world, you have to do work. And do you know why its called work? BECAUSE IT IS WORK!
Social justice movements are not fun. I wonder how fun it was for Rosa Parks to sit in the front of that bus, without even an iPod to block out the people screaming at her? I wonder if Malcolm X was just tempted to wear a t-shirt with a witty saying instead of standing up in front of people who wanted to kill him? Maybe Martin Luther King would have accomplished just as much with an Equality Ho Down in Alabama? Or maybe instead of collaborating with Theo Van Gogh on the film Submission (for which he was ultimately murdered) Ayan Hirsi Ali could have just gone to Cabo for Spring Break and convinced some of the Girls Gone Wild crew to help her write Koran verses on naked young white women? Not so powerful, is it?
Aside from the fact that it could be considered not only EXTREMELY culturally insensitive for American women to shove our freedom in the face of Iranian women, how many of the women who participated in Boobquake normally dress modestly? Based on comments, not many. Many of the women just seemed so excited to have a day to “show off the girls!”
And therein lies my second point. EVERY DAY should be a day when you feel comfortable expressing your sexuality and seeking sexual attention. Why has this event taken off like it did? Could it be that there is STILL shame in women expressing their sexuality? Of course there is!
But you don’t need a fake protest, catcalls from supportive men, alcohol, or the approval of your friends to be sexual. If you dress in a sexual manner, some people will think you are slutty. If you dress in a modest manner, some people will not give you the time of day. But the way we use Halloween, Girl’s Night Out, and now Boobquake as holidays in which “good girls” are given permission to be sexual pisses me off. You don’t NEED permission. You just need courage, and the willingness to take responsibility for your decisions. Part of that responsibility means being willing to give up the labels of good girls and bad girls, and just be.
Sexuality is a part of each of us, and people should feel comfortable expressing that in ways they find comfortable. Just don’t hide your need for sexual expression under the guise of the greater good. Because when you do so, you imply that sexual expression for its own sake is invalid. And to me, the greatest reason to be sexual is the pleasure of sexuality itself.
I was not aware that women like this existed in my state. I am so thrilled that I am considering driving an hour and a half JUST so that she can be my vagina doctor. It would be an honor to receive a pap smear from this lady
Finally, let’s talk about the women who are too much. Tell me about women who are too sexy, show too much, talk too much, do too much. These are the women that cross that line and go into the area that mainstream society starts to frown upon.
Talk to me here about girls and women who are viewed to be the “just right” amount of sexiness. How do they dress? How do they act? How do they talk? What risks do they take?
These are the females mainstream society holds up as the ideal.
All this recent talk of feminism, sexiness, and societal expectations has spurred something within me.
I want to create a list of three categories prude, sexy, whore. In each, I want to have behaviors that typify each definition. Then, I want to somehow graphically show how each of these is a social construct of the time and/or social group.
Let’s face it, ladies. Whether you are suffering from an impending period, a bloated day, stretch marks from a prior pregnancy, or you just are self-conscious because you have a few pounds to lose, there are days when you don’t feel sexy — and it all relates to tummy (or some other part of the body) fat.
Yesterday on Skepchick, Rebecca Watson brought up the horrible misogynistic crap directed at a female journalist who interviewed Paul Offit. It involved talk of rape, whoredom, and the general stuff that gets thrown at women. It also featured a gross depiction of pro-vaccination people eating dead babies.
This is disgusting. Very much so. However, skeptics need to clean their own house of the same type of behavior. In less than one hour and five searches, I was able to pull up equally disturbing imagery and comments directed at Jenny McCarthy. I have also heard skeptics refer to Jenny and Oprah as evil on more than one occasion, and refer to Oprah as fat and insinuate she is unfuckable. Continue reading Sluts are Stupid!!!
She taught us that our sexuality was something for making us feel good, and not something to barter, trade, or give away. To teach a girl that her sexuality was for pleasure first, not reproduction, expressing love, or gaining favor, was truly a revolutionary idea.
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This piece is also cross posted on aagblog and was a collaboration between the two of us. She claim that I did all the work, but I think that is just her way of saying I am a bigger slut. :)
Not long ago my pal Heidi
and I were talking about our mutual intractable sluttiness. We intended
to work together on this post but I'll be perfectly honest–Heidi did
all the work.
Read on and make sure to answer the question we pose in the comments. –aag
——
When I was a girl, I couldn’t wait to grow up and be promiscuous.
Seriously. I was born with a libido that would put many a man to shame,
and had mastered my own domain many years earlier. I was ready to
venture into the big leagues, and because I was raised with parents
that taught me the reality of sex, I knew that it was also a
responsibility.
I planned my first sexual encounter with the same attention to
Martha Stewart brings to flower arranging. I knew exactly what I
wanted, how I wanted it to “go down” (pun intended – that was a
requirement for the big night) and what the safety precautions were to
be (me on the Pill for 3 months minimum, condom of course). In fact, I
prepared for the big night so much that even my mother kind of laughed
at my expectations. However, my unwillingness to settle not only led me
to what was an amazing first sexual experience that set the tone for
the rest of my life (thanks Lee!) but also to ideas about what the
purpose of sex was. And the purpose of sex, simply put, was to get off.
Preferably with a nice person you enjoy talking to as well, although
that is not a requirement.
I had not planned on falling in love with the person I had my first
sexual experience with, but hey, it happened. In fact, it made the
experience even more awesome in a romantic teen girl way, but more
importantly, I liked him. The love and relationship piece however, did
get in the way of the promiscuity aspect.
After I followed the above boyfriend to College, which rarely if
EVER works out, we of course broke up. And here was my chance! Slutdom
here I come, casual sex everywhere!! Him and him and him and maybe even
her! And of course, you know what happened. I slept with a guy on the
first date (without knowing his last name, I might add), and of course,
he called. And continued to call. And we fell in love and dated for a
long time. Once again promiscuity would have to wait.
While dating this guy, I became friends with my astronomy teachers
assistant (SCIENCE!).He was a nice guy, a little older, and sweet as
could be. When the boyfriend above broke up with me, the TA asked me
out, and again, I was very excited at the prospect of casual sex! Woo
hoo! Sex with someone different! Needless to say, I repeated the same
mistake, slept with him on the first date, and immediately started
dating him. Slut FAIL! Perhaps I should have been a lesbian?
This relationship lasted awhile, and when he and I broke up, I made
myself take an oath of celibacy. Not because I thought sex was bad, but
because I did not want another relationship. I wanted to find myself,
grow, and all that stuff, and thought that a man would get in the way
of that. So instead I focused on myself, my career, and friends. Of
course, one of those friends eventually ensnared me in his web of sexy
engineering goodness, and that was it. Chances for promiscuity were
gone, as I had found the man I would marry. However, it was a small
sacrifice to make to find (or find again) the only man in the world I
could have even begun to imagine marrying and raising children with.
I sucked at promiscuity. I tried repeatedly to be a free spirit, put
myself into sexual situations with men I did not know, and expected
them not to call. But they did. Although I would love to blame it on
the quality of my “game,” I am pretty sure it can be boiled down to a
few basic reasons: I did not drink and therefore never slept with
someone drunk that I would not have even talked with sober; I was a fat
girl – therefore the dudes I slept with were at least not shallow
enough to hate women who looked different; and finally, when I had sex,
I was responsible for my own body, safety AND orgasms. I never slept
with a man to “get” him, not did I sleep with a guy to get attention. I
was an active participant in the sex, and EXPECTED that it would be
good for me as well. I made it very clear up front what my boundaries
were, and that if that was not ok, then later tater!
I know my experience is unusual, because I was able to watch friends
of mine in high school and college as they navigated their own sexual
journeys. However, as much as I loved my friends, and wanted to support
them, it became painful to watch women who were FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE
THAN ME sleep with the biggest losers in the world, and then tolerate
douchebaggy behavior from them. I had friends in high school and
college who were into the double digits of lovers before they knew that
anything other than missionary style was possible. I wanted to scream
at them, for fuck’s sake, do the entire football team if you want, BUT
GET OFF! The female orgasm is NOT OPTIONAL!
As I was talking one night with my friend (squee – love to call her my friend) aag of aagblog.com, we discussed this and what the word "promiscuous" means. We decided that we need TWO words for that concept. Listen in?
aag: There's lots of sex because sex is awesome.
Heidi: Like Samantha on Sex and the City, even though that show was kind of stupid.
aag: Yes! Then there's lots of sex because you're needy and want something OTHER than the sex.
If it were not already tied to open relationships/marriages, "open"
would be a great word. As in “She looks all uptight, but I hear she is
deliciously open!” Or “I hear he is really, really open. She is SO
lucky to go out with him tonight!” Or even “He is so open he slept with
her AND her boyfriend!”
Promiscuity and casual sex are not bad things. They can both be very
lovely. However, self-respect and putting yourself first should be the
requirements! Can you imagine this message given to girls?
Sally: Mom, I think Bill is really cute, but I just don’t know about him. I am not sure I am ready to go all the way with him.
Mom: Well dear, are your masturbating to orgasm? You know what I
always say, you can’t be a good lover to someone else, until you are a
good lover to the most important person in your life!
Sally: But mom, maybe he can help me feel sexier and get more in the mood.
Mom: Pish posh, young lady! If you want to grow up to be a proper,
open woman with a healthy life, you need to take control of your own
body. Now I am going to give you my credit card, and you go down to the
local Toys in Babeland and they will help you out! This is your health, young lady, and you need to take it seriously!
So now we pose the question to you, our readers. We need two
separate words for people who are promiscuous: One for those who have
lots of sex that is damaging and disrespectful to mind and body, and
another for those who have lots of sex that is fun, awesome, and life
affirming.
I recently attended The Amazing Meeting in Las Vegas. It is the world's largest gathering of skeptics, with about 1,007 in attendance this year. It was a wonderful event, and though I was there only for 52 hours, I met many lovely people and had "much excitement".
Less than lovely was the fact that the majority of the speakers were male, and that two of them said things that were stupid, if not downright offensive. Bill Prady, creator of the Big Bang Theory sitcom, apparently made a joke implying that it was not worth it to try to teach "beautiful women" the difference between astrology and astronomy. Even more upsetting was the fact that Brian Dunning of Skeptoid thought it hilarious to replace the photo of a Russian cosmonaut in his presentation with a more attractive woman because the Russian was too ugly. Right.
After TAM, a few blog posts were made about the incidents, as well as the a dress of the women attendees at TAM. One blogger, Barbara Dreshcer of ICBSEVERYWHERE, commented that one of the female attendees was clearly inappropriately dressed for the event in fishnets, short shorts, and spike heels. This led to a post on Skepchick, where Carrie discussed that post AND the incidents at TAM. Barbara Dreshcer has since apologized for that remark and I believe her sincerity. The comments on the Skepchick page, however, are very interesting.
It appears that many people are of the belief that when presenting yourself, if you include your sexuality in the presentation, you should not be surprised when that is the only aspect that people respond too. Honestly, THAT would surprise me. I often dress in a cleavage displaying manner, for two reasons: 1) I have a great rack and 2) I look like an apple on sticks if I do not define my bustline. I do not mind when men (AND WOMEN!) look at my cleavage; like great art I WANT it to be admired. However, like great art, there is also a look but don't touch policy.
I sometimes wonder if THAT is not the reason for the hostility from men regarding provacative dress. It seems to anger the penis driven part of the brain that BOOBS ARE DISPLAYED AND IN TOUCHING VICINITY, but they are not allowed to touch them. Like a dirty trick that makes the reptilian brain very mad.
I can not speak for other women, but when I dress in a sexy manner I am fully aware of the effect it has on people. I like it, I am somewhat exhibitionistic, and enjoy showing off my attributes. Why is that a personality flaw? Lord knows many of the male presenters at TAM were swinging their "fame" around for all the ladies to admire, but THAT appears to be completely acceptable!
Are we supposed to hide our sexuality and display it only for those we are going to have sex with? Also, why can't you look at my boobs AND listen to me talk? I enjoy sending and receiving sexual energy from other people, even those I am not intimate with. If this bothers you, just move along. But don't dare think that you are smarter than me because cleavage distracts you. Because if you think my tits are big, you should see my brain :)
At what point is my cleavage offensive and distracting????
Picture A – What A Nice Wholesome Skeptic – She Must Be Smart!
Picture B – How did THIS girl get into TAM? Maybe she is lost! I will go tell her that she has pretty eyes!
Picture C – WHORE!!! EVIL SLUT!! TEMPTRESS TRYING TO DISTRACT US FROM THE IMPORTANT WORK OF HUNTING GHOSTS AND PERFORMING MAGIC!!!!!!!! BURN HER!!!!!!!!!!
Just in case you could not tell, my IQ stayed the same the ENTIRE time, no matter how much cleavage was showing. How much did yours change while looking at them?
So my post on being pro-sex was chosen to be part of Sugasm 167. This makes me obscenely happy.
Below are the other posts chosen. All are very, very nice. Most are obviously NSFW, especially the erotica and photography, but if you read this blog, chances are you are also NSFW. Back to work Pervy McPerverson!!
This Week’s Picks Every Time You Orgasm, An Angel Gets Its Wings “There is nothing that screams “fuck you” to the pain and the hurt in the world than screaming “fuck me” to the person in your bed.”
HNT: Spanked “I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. But tonight, I was sure.”
A Thousand Kisses “This wasn’t enough. I knew that I had to try something else.”
It is no secret that there is dissent within the skeptical ranks, both in terms of philosophy and method. What may be less known is that there is even drama within the micro sub-cultures of this “movement”, some of which I am less than proud to be a part of. When James Randi split from CSICOP in the 90′s, or more recently when Paul Kurtz left CFI, no one assumed their disagreements were based in gender.
I had this argument with people about the “green screens for Iran” and the debate about calling for the arrest of the Pope. Talking about things all day long is great and can make you feel good and smart. But to accomplish anything in this world, you have to do work. And do you know why its called work? BECAUSE IT IS WORK!