These are the loves of my life, or rather the product of my partnership with the love of my life. I always love their goofy faces best of all!

I posted a link earlier this week about a “new” tumblr blog that was very interesting. What I did not tell was that it was MY blog, and that it was centered around weight loss.

How does the author of a blog [...]]]>

I will DIE if I do not get one of these.

I posted a link earlier this week about a “new” tumblr blog that was very interesting. What I did not tell was that it was MY blog, and that it was centered around weight loss.

How does the author of a blog called “The Fat One in the Middle” start a new blog? By admitting my need for “Moving to the Front!”

And what kinds of riveting posts am I doing there? I am blogging about food, clothes, and my love of axolotls and how I am using their amphibian/fish nature to represent me.

Under a description of the blog, I wrote this:

Heidi accepts that she is fooling no one into thinking she is a selfless, deep, non-appearance oriented person just because she is fat. Radical shifts occur.

So how did this happen?

My husband took control of his health about 5 years ago when he started running, and his willingness to do that, and really work on our marriage, are what gave me the inspiration to transform my body and my mindset. He wants me here with the kids and he as long as possible, and wants me to enjoy life. I can’t thank him enough.

But even more importantly, I fucked up this year. A lot. With many, many different people in many, many different situations. I would like to continue to blame everything on my dad’s death, but it does not all come from that. I was selfish, petty, vain, self-centered, lazy, short-sighted, self-promoting, careless, dishonest, attention-seeking, and just plain rude to people I loved, including family, friends, and co-workers. I was NOT a very nice person.

And several of my friends called me on it. Some nicely, some cruelly. And guess what I learned?

I can fuck up. I can be all of those things above, and even worse. I can show people the absolute grossest, darkest parts of myself, things I thought I hiding – and they still love me. I was bowled over by the forgiveness and non-judgmental responses from people. Now of course, not everyone responded that way, and that is ok. I learned that some people are so disgusted by who I am that they can’t be around me. And I am trying to respect that.

But I am awesome – warts and all! Do I hog the spotlight in group settings? Yes! Do I take too much time to talk when moderating panels? SHAMELESSLY so! Do I have a constant need for attention? Damn straight! Do I call myself bi-sexual when I have never slept with a woman? I do!! Do I consider myself kinky even though my first foray into the world of organized BDSM found me mostly uninterested? Hell yeah!!! Have I historically found ways to retell stories and events in ways that make it look like I am the victim and other people are mean, mean bad guys! Indubitably! Do I love to be in people’s business? Most of the time, although this one is actually lessening :)

But I am also a truly sincere person who would drop anything to help a friend if they needed it and were asked to do so (the asking is key – my head is often up my ass). I am also a person who tries to connect people she knows who could enhance each other’s lives. And I am also a person that you can truly tell anything to, and not have me be shocked, disgusted, or freaked out. I would, however, encourage you to tell me if you want it kept secret. I am learning that MY boundaries for private are far, far different than the boundaries of most people.

Have I gone on and on about how hot and sexy fat women are while secretly being uncomfortable with my own weight? Yes!! And I DO find fat women hot and sexy.

But my body hurts. My dad died at 61 from heart problems. I am pre-diabetic. My blood pressure is high. And I am a vain fucker who wants to be able to escape the qualifier she has put on herself for over 20 years.But guess what? I will be vain at 250 or vain or 150. Being fat does not hide anything – all it does is make some people less threatened by me. Well too bad. If you find a thinner Heidi threatening, you probably did not like the fat Heidi very much anyway.

I am done hiding. I am done pretending I am humble. I am done pretending I am not vain. I am done pretending that I don’t want the things that I want, and I am not going to apologize for who I am.

A wise woman once told me (ok it was an email from Joreth about a day ago) that I need to remember that I am not a finished product, but rather a work in progress. I like this much better.

I will continue to fuck up. I can guarantee it. But now, I am going to accept what I fuck up, ask for forgiveness, and move the fuck on.  I will no longer continue to allow the hate for my flaws to manifest itself in hate for my body.

And the way I was eating was not joyful, it was frantic. It was not a celebration of life, it was a non-prescription anti-anxiety med. Is that the case with all fat people? Probably not. But I am too self-centered to know that, go ask them!

So, if I am not The Fat One in the Middle, who the fuck am I?

Of course, I would be Little MS Star

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This post, Less Fat and Not in the Middle, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on November 7, 2010.

People generally think I am a nice person. I am chubby (like Santa!), I smile a lot, and I try to make friends wherever I go. I am an extremely loyal friend, and almost pathologically helpful. Give me a uniform and a box of cookies, and you might [...]]]> From my new guest post on NonProphetStatus.com:

People generally think I am a nice person. I am chubby (like Santa!), I smile a lot, and I try to make friends wherever I go. I am an extremely loyal friend, and almost pathologically helpful. Give me a uniform and a box of cookies, and you might mistake me for a Girl Scout.But churning beneath my bubbly exterior beats the heart of a bitch.

To find out exactly HOW I am a bitch, go read the rest of the post!!!

Sometimes the light captures my evil (and the evil of Cheri Cloninger)

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This post, I’m A Bitch, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on September 15, 2010.

The September issue of The Humanist contains an interview with a woman who is witty, intelligent, a humanist, lover of science, former nurse, a feminist, and just happens to be a porn star.

Marie Hartman graduated with honors from San Francisco State University and is the author or coauthor of several [...]]]>

Nina Hartley

The September issue of The Humanist contains an interview with a woman who is witty, intelligent, a humanist, lover of science, former nurse, a feminist, and just happens to be a porn star.

Marie Hartman graduated with honors from San Francisco State University and is the author or coauthor of several books published by major publishing houses under her stage name, Nina Hartley. She is also the star of more than 600 adult films spanning three decades. In addition, Hartley is a humanist, a proud atheist, and a vocal feminist. . .

The Humanist: I’m curious about your hobbies and education growing up. You mentioned that your grandfather had a PhD in Physics. Were science and medicine an important part of your life?NH: Both of my parents are science folks. My mother was a chemist and statistician for the State Department of Public Health and my dad has a good layman’s understanding of science and biology. I loved all natural science as a child and wanted to be Jane Goodall when I grew up. I especially liked human biology and anatomy. I’m an RN with a BS in nursing and I love science to this day. I keep up with the latest advances in science and enjoy physics, biology, psychology, brain science, and more.

The Humanist: You weren’t raised in a religious home, but one full of values. For the religious, values and religion are synonymous. Could you explain the difference?

NH: We were taught social justice at home. My maternal grandparents were early supporters of civil rights in Alabama, where my mother is from. As secular Jews (my grandfather refused Bar Mitzvah) they were already a minority, but when my grandfather turned to socialism for its sense of social justice it put the family in jeopardy and they were subject to harassment by the Ku Klux Klan. My grandfather almost lost his life to goons.

This sense of social justice carried over into my parents’ marriage, and I grew up participating in civil rights marches and anti-war demonstrations. There was never any mention of God as a reason to do right. It was just the right thing to do. I feel strongly to this day that right and religion don’t necessarily go hand in hand.

As a believer in evolution, we can “take the best” from religion and “leave the rest.” We no longer need the story of “God” to explain why the rain falls, or the wind blows, or spring comes again each year. I’m comfortable with there being things about people or the world that I can’t know, or that we don’t know yet. I’m fine with life as we know it being random or an “accidental” result of chemical and physical processes.

For the full text of this truly delightful article, go to The Humanist website.

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This post, Thoughtful Intercourse, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on September 10, 2010.

Thanks to Kelley Clark, without whom this wonderful tribute would not be possible!!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah we are not professionals, but damn we had fun!

A friend of mine (who wishes to remain anonymous) recently responded to a blurb I posted about Gail Dine’s book, “Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality”. Being a scientist, and a man well schooled in porn, he quickly decided that the best way to see just how HORRIBLE porn is would be [...]]]>

A friend of mine (who wishes to remain anonymous) recently responded to a blurb I posted about Gail Dine’s book, “Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality”. Being a scientist, and a man well schooled in porn, he quickly decided that the best way to see just how HORRIBLE porn is would be to look at what videos were getting the most views.

“The most popular acts depicted in internet porn include vaginal, oral and anal penetration by three or more men at the same time,” (Gail Dines)

Really? That sets my skeptical alarm bells off…

Lucky for me (although not for the research I SHOULD be doing), the Internet also provides a site for a simple and sorta scientific test of this claim: YouPorn.com (the most popular pornography website on the internet, and the 49th most popular of any kind, according to Wikipedia.) Youporn, like YouTube, hosts user uploaded material, and is user rated (with total views tabulated) and categorized. It provides a fascinating portal into the real world interests of actual internet porn consumers.

The results?

There are a total of 783 videos in the ‘double penetration’ category and 3,285 in the ‘facial’ category. The most watched video in each category was watched ~8 and 14 million times, respectively (although the facial category is a little misleading, since, judging by video titles, the act in question seems to be incidental in at least the top few–a video may be slotted into multiple categories).

How does this compare to videos in “traditional” categories? Well, ‘couples’ has 2,097 videos, with the highest viewed gaining a whopping

38 million views. (It should be noted, that it is possible that ‘couples’ videos ALSO contain facial scenes, but the number of participants excludes DP.) So, judging from the data, it seems straight up sex is many times more prevalent and popular than Dines’ dreaded multiple penetrative sex.

And facials? Well, they are a genuinely popular contemporary sexual meme. (Although, I note that there are 8,509 videos in the ‘blowjob’ category, so facials make up a minority–38%–of the blowjob content on the site). Perhaps, like peeing, the newness of the act in popular pornography makes it attractive, and it will cycle through, like all trends. I don’t know. I do know that precisely because the act is inherently mildly degrading, it can be incorporated into empowering, consensual hetero or homosexual sex that involves an element of powerplay (as many relationships do). (See Dan Savage for a more thorough unpacking of this topic.)

Now some editorializing:

I think there is real reason (and sociological data) to be cautious at the effect that pervasive, unrealistic sexual and body-shape imagery is having on our culture, and on the expectations of those in the “porn generation” in particular. But at least the YouPorn data suggest that much of the explosion of pornography is simply channeling age- old, vanilla fantasy, e.g., ‘masturbation’ has 4,747 videos. There is also evidence for a continuing mainstreaming of women’s sexual pleasure: ‘cunnilingus’ has 2,086 videos, with, surprisingly and happily, a straight-up instructional video in this category logging more views (8.13 million) as the most popular double penetration video.

Science. It works, bitches.

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This post, A Skeptic Looks at Porn – What ARE People Watching?, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on August 23, 2010.

So, if you want to help get Will and his family to DragonCon in Atlanta THIS Labor Day for [...]]]> Thanks to the incredible generosity of SO many donors, I only have $700 $600 $500 $330 (As of July 26, 2010) to raise fully fund the trip to DragonCon for marriage equality activist Will Phillips.

So, if you want to help get Will and his family to DragonCon in Atlanta THIS Labor Day for his birthday, PLEASE help me by donating below! Click on the photo to be taken to Paypal :)

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This post, Only $330 Left to Get Will Phillips to DragonCon, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on July 19, 2010.