As a dear friend and I venture back into the dating scene, I have combined everything I have learned about dating from pre-marriage to post-marriage, as well as from the experiences of other women in my life. If you want to add your own advice for other dating newbies, feel free! Also, this advice is pretty much for heterosexual females, due to my own realization that I am either NOT bisexual as I have thought lo these many years, or just incredibly lazy in bed (GIRLS ARE HARD IN BED!!!!!!)

1) Your sexuality truly is yours and yours alone. I used to think it was an asset, i.e. that I was more valuable if I was better in bed, or would be considered a more desirable person. The only self-esteem bolstering I can get from my sexuality is based on my being true to it. However, people wanting to fuck me says nothing about how they actually feel about ME.

2) Men do not have to like you or even find you attractive to want to fuck you. This can be confusing for naive people.

3) However, by that same token, do NOT rule yourself out based on what you think are your physical flaws. I am a big girl, WITH pubic hair, who sometimes forgets to shave her legs. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE been kicked out of bed. Ever. In fact, if a man WERE to kick me out of bed based on some physical attribute, I would thank him joyfully as I ran from his bed and dodged that douche bullet.

4) Competing for cock is ridiculous. There is plenty of cock. More than enough in fact. Whenever God closes a door of cock, she opens a cock window.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5) People show you who they are, even when you do not want to see it. Pay attention. Someone who is not friends with any of their exes, or has only dated “crazy” bitches, probably IS himself the crazy bitch.

6) Sex can be 100% technically great and still not be good for me. By that same token, I can have sex with someone with ED or other issues, and it be mind blowing. Without sounding too woo, sex is about energy for me, not just pawing at meaty parts. Meaty parts are nice too though.

7) If a guy wants to date you, he will pursue you. I hate to sound all “The Rules” and “He’s Just Not That Into You”, but do not make excuses for a dude who supposedly likes you not trying to see you. When a guy likes someone, he is pretty much going to go after her. If he is too scared to go after you, he might be too scared OF you. Trust me, it is no fun to be in love with someone who is scared of you.

8) Finally, and most importantly, if I was not me, I would totally fuck me. I would also fall madly in love with myself and remind myself constantly of just how adorable, sexy, precious, and important I am. However, this is probably WAY too much to expect of someone else. Or at least, only one someone else :) Being open, honest, and sincere about wanting more than one lover in your life is not slutty. It is ETHICALLY slutty (kudos to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton!)

PS No truer words have been spoken than from my friend aagblog:  ”You can put up with a lot of Ayn Rand for a man in panties.”

Jake Gyllenhaal reveals his fountainhead.

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This post, Dating Advice for Women Like Me, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on February 5, 2012.

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This post, Whovians Everywhere Rejoice!!!!!!!!!, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on October 31, 2011.

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This post, My Favorite Video Ever, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on October 1, 2011.

There are people in this world who are touched with darkness* and those who are not. Call it what you will, but I can generally feel it and sense it in people. The more difficult of my sons has it, but the younger one seems to not have it.

People who do not understand what it is to be “touched by darkness” often have little patience for those of us who do. We are told to snap out of it, to cheer up, to learn to fit in, to learn to get along in the world.

What people do not understand is that in many ways, the darkness comes from seeing the world EXACTLY as it is, and lamenting over the fact that nothing we do will change that. We take this as a tragedy and a personal failing, and often struggle to want to remain in this world.

A friend gives examples of what we hear: ”Why are you always so miserable? Why do you get upset so easily? Why can’t you just be happy? Stop getting worked up over things that don’t matter!” ‎”Just relax! Everything is fine!”

It can be soul shattering to hear those things – because we know the suffering that is going on, and we know we can’t stop it.

What people like me have to learn to do is to take our joy where we can find it, and learn to pretend to be normal to not scare the normal folk.

But inside, we are still just as touched by darkness as we always were. We have just learned to only share it with those who understand.

*I used to think this was basically code for mental illness, and while it certainly can mean that, I also think it signifies a heightened sensitivity and sense of empathy.

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This post, NOT Touched by an Angel, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on September 16, 2011.

Here is the Prezi of the workshop, and here is a link to a wonderful recap/liveblog: http://imaginetoday.net/2011/04/02/momentum-liveblog-part-three/

In fact, Jill’s liveblog recap is better than my notes. Damn girl. You are quite the note taker! Thanks!

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This post, A Spoonful of Chocolate Helps the Vanilla Go Down, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on April 3, 2011.

Thanks to the evil machinations of FB friend Kelly Kel, supported by dozens of others, I have become a Doctor Who fan. It started with promises of hot gay sex on the Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood, and once I saw that, I was hooked into that universe. Or universes as it turns out.

Like many average looking women, I was completely bowled over by the character of Donna Noble. She is a temp who manages to cross paths with The Doctor and eventually become his companion. Not only is she not the drop dead gorgeous companions of the past, she actively harasses The Doctor in ways none of the other companions did. She pulls his Time Lord pigtails over and over again.

I won’t go into any spoilers about where the following passage comes from, or what the context is, but when I watched this scene in Doctor Who I found myself crying.

NEW DOCTOR
No, but you are. (looking at her as if he’s just understanding) Oh. You really don’t believe that, do you? I can see, Donna… what you’re thinking. All that attitude. All that lip. Cos all this time… you think you’re not worth it.

DONNA
Stop it!

NEW DOCTOR
Shouting at the world, cos no-one’s listening. Well… why should they?

DONNA
Doctor. Stop it.

This scene knocked me flat on my ass. Why AM I shouting at the world all of the time? Why do I have so much attitude, so much lip? Why do I see everything as a fight, a struggle in which I have to prove myself? Why do I make everything such a fucking battle?

Because underneath all that bluster, all that armor, all that stuff I think makes me look like a bad ass,  a part of me is terribly afraid that nothing that I say is worth hearing.

It would be easy to stop here and wait for the chorus of people to chime in with accolades of my wit, my intelligence, my beauty, and my general awesomeness. But it would not work. It would be a quick salve that would last until I felt needy again, and then I would once again need to hear it outside of myself.

But guess what else is inside me? A growing part of me that thinks, no KNOWS, that what I have to say, what I have to offer this world is unique and worthwhile. The matter and electrical energy that comprises me has NEVER existed in this combination before, and it never will again. If I compare myself to other people, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, sexier, more feminist, more skeptical, a better writer, or even more bad assed.  And that is ok – this is not a competition. But no one can EVER be Heidi Marie Anderson better than me, and I can’t be them.

As long as I try to convince other people of my worth, I will come up short. Haters gonna hate. Someone will always have issues with me.

But as long as I KNOW my worth, that worth can never be taken.

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This post, “Shouting at the world, cos no-one’s listening.”, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on February 4, 2011.

These are the loves of my life, or rather the product of my partnership with the love of my life. I always love their goofy faces best of all!

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This post, Happy Holidays!, originally appeared on The Fat One in the Middle on December 19, 2010.